Lost

By Ramona Jessica Nadong - December 13, 2018


It's been 2 years since I poured by heart out in a blog post and now I'm going to do that again. I typically let my feelings hidden somewhere where people wouldn't know since I know they wouldn't understand. I tried to suppress these feelings contained yet for once, I decided to let it all out.

I'm depressed

I'm broke

I'm in need of love and attention

They say that you can get the comfort of loving and sense of belongingness to your family and friends but to be honest with you guys, I am not really sure what is the pure context of having a family. I grew up with my dad not being around most of the time so typically my mom and I celebrate everything together. Nonetheless, his presence was there and even though I didn't understand during that time, I realized that I will get better soon. Little did I know I grew up feeling happy yet I feel empty. 

22 years had gone by, I guess the feeling of alone became stronger after everything that had happened, broke up with the father of my son, belittled by his family, letting my own family down and the feeling of not being enough. 

2016 I saw a psychiatrist and still, I feel like it didn't help, massive and medicines that cost a fortune and I didn't even know what that does to my body, I still take it. The desperation of feeling okay overcome my well being, I decided to create a huge wall that hides all my feelings inside, to not be vulnerable and to not be hurt by anyone ever again. 

2 years have passed and I'm still here, battling this demon- depression, severe anxiety. I am hating myself in the process. Every single day I have been thinking my main purpose in this world - Why am I here? Of course, people would say that the main purpose was to be a mother for Edmund, even though I am aware with my responsibility but still, this is a hard pill to swallow when I still have the battle to fight every single day.

How can I surpass it?

Well, to be honest with you, it is an ongoing process, every day is a surprise for me, sometimes my day is doing great but sometimes it is full of demons, still working to control my feelings, still trying to make sure that I'm on the right track and not lose focus.

Forgive yourself

I am trying to forgive myself because of the first step to recovery. Learning to love me is the best thing to improve my situation. I hate this feeling, to be honest. I hope I'll be better.

This feels great to address this situation and I will probably create more topics related to this. Wish me luck guys, the road to recovery.


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