I Have Depression and Anxiety

By Mhownai - September 12, 2017

Hi guys, this blog post might be a little more personal as I will be sharing with you some 'hints' of what is happening with my life. I remember when I was still a teenager and blogging using Tumblr, I used to have an open book with my readers, I remember that whenever my ex-boyfriend and I used to fight, it was posted, everything I do was posted, everything I feel was posted but things changed as I had a son and I want to live a more 'private' life because it's for his own good.

But this time, I'll be sharing with you my not-so-detailed-personal-experience so that you may be wise in choosing your own paths and not make the same mistakes that I did and to hopefully inspire you to conquer the challenges that you are facing right now.

My depression started the 3rd year Edmund's father and I have been dating. I really wanted to break up with him because I'm not really happy with my life and that I am really suffocated by being with him and I feel that I'm not growing in that relationship. So what I did is I tried to break up with him but he refuses not to. Until I moved out of my house and tried to have a job and earn a living- that time, I'm still struggling in making our relationship work, but I just feel like I'm just the only one whose working things out. He became complacent to the fact that I'll always be there for him no matter what. So what I did was I broke up with him, again. And enjoyed my freedom, I went out with my friends and high school friends, drinking with my officemates until I get sober- but my freedom wasn't that long when my partner begged for another chance and even if I went out with different guys already, he still wants to be with me. So I made the most stupid decision to make up with him.

And then, I got pregnant.

I honestly expected that he'll opt for abortion. But I was really happy when he said that we'll continue the baby, he'll work- he had a concrete plan. But none of them includes telling to our parents that we're having a baby. I don't know why I just leave the decision-making to him because he's the head of our soon-to-be family.

Living with him was hard. For 10 months of living with him, he didn't bother looking for a job. He spends his time playing DOTA 2. I was really stupid to stay with him, I know but who wants to give her child a broken family right? That's the reason I stayed even though the love was slowly fading away.

There were other bad experiences that I'd rather not to say because it's too painful to write and too embarrassing to share.

But the main thing is, I lost my self-esteem, my confidence and I find myself unlovable, ugly and disgusting at that specific moment.

When we broke up, I remember having scenarios of killing myself but chose not to, because whenever I looked at Edmund, I couldn't help but cry.

But there was one thing that became my emotional breakdown. I was by far the worse that I've gotten. I remember dreaming about I was hanging in an empty room with a black cloth on my head. I also can hear things ordering me to kill myself and my son.

I decided to see a psychiatrist when I tried to kill myself by overdosing some antihistamine pills. I consumed almost 30 tablets of antihistamine because I want to sleep, I haven't slept for 3 consecutive days that time. I was really desperate to end my suffering and sadness to the point that I don't care anymore to my son and to my family and people that I might leave behind.

But I didn't die. I remember one thing that my psychiatrist said, you cannot dwell on the past and that your life should continue because that's how things are supposed to be. Life must go on.

I've been seeing him for 2 months and I must say that I am really getting better. He prescribed anti depressants and sleeping pills. He also advised me to make myself busy and go to the gym to keep my mind pre-occupied.

Though things are going well. There are days that I still feel sad and worthless, and there were moments that I cry- it's normal. I'm human after all.

I know that I can surpass whatever problems that I am facing. I will update you guys with my depression and anxiety journey.

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